Your heart is beating, your throat is tight, your stomach is a knot, you can’t breath, and your head is racing. There’s a darkness you can feel all around. It’s not visible darkness. No, the absence of light. The feeling that you’re about to be consumed by a cold, emptiness. The next thing to hell:
You feel like you want to cry, but the tears don’t develop. Your nose runs, and you just blame it on allergies. Everything inside of you is screaming, weeping out to God for mercy and peace. You are quiet to those around you; tired and falling asleep. You’ve been tired, and they think you’re ill, but the truth is that you’ve been restless every night for as long as you can remember. You can’t stop coming back to your slave master:
You keep going, getting up in the morning, thinking maybe you’re safe from the demons that have been attacking you. Then it’s 2:15 and your heart starts beating wildly. Your head starts racing. That absence of holy light is fading and you can sense the darkness trying to swallow you. Your stomach is so twisted you think you’re going to vomit everywhere. You sit there, exhausted on your couch, unable to bear tears, unable to explain to those around you that you’re slowly sinking in sand of the devil. You keep praying, “Father, please, give me peace!” and for a split second, it’s there. Then the darkness reappears:
The insomnia that has lasted weeks is now routine. You’re fine through the morning, but as soon as lunch is over, all you long for is going back to bed. You just want to escape that darkness. You can’t get your work done. People are now telling you to get your act together, but they don’t know that you’re in an endless battle with what seems to be your own mind. All you can do is let your soul scream and possibly write down frantically what you’re feeling and praying, trying to empty yourself of this paralyzing fear before the darkness drowns you in it again.
It gets stronger everyday.
You suffer everyday. Your soul is tired. Your mind is restless. All you want to do is escape your life. But you can’t. You’re trapped by the reality of life: you must get up and do things the same everyday. It’s living hell. Everyday the urge to sleep, the urge to run away, the urge to just die gets stronger and stronger and more potent and more drowning. There’s a counter for this though. Just like that anxiety and despair grows stronger everyday,
you grow stronger everyday.
Every time you cry out to God, every time you empty your soul of the toxins, every time you get up in the morning after a night of nothing but tossing and turning you.get.stronger. It doesn’t seem possible. How can you be growing stronger when you feel so weak, helpless, and endangered? Let me tell you a secret:
There is no way that the devil can destroy you.
Want to know why?
Because God is living in you. Not only is he living in you, but he brings you back to life every.single.day. You are filled with the Holy Spirit. You know who the Holy Spirit is? He’s what filled David when he defeated Goliath. He is what gave the disciples the power to heal the sick. He’s what casts demons from victims. He is what causes a revival in a nation. He is what brought Jesus back from the dead. What exactly does this mean?
It means that God has already destroyed anything that wants to take you.
Anything that’s trying to drown you, the Father has already taken down.
The demons that twist your gut and tell you that you’re going to die are ALREADY DEAD.
Don’t you ever let them tell you that you’ll fail. Don’t ever listen to the taunts that say that you aren’t good enough. Don’t ever let the whispers saying that God can’t get you through this reach your ears.
There’s nothing on heaven or on earth that can separate you from God’s love, and there’s nothing that could ever stand up to His power.
Pick up your head. Breath. Ignore the darkness. Listen to the light. He’s going to pull you through this. These demons of fear have no power over your Father’s unending love for you.
Perfect love casts out fear.